I some how gave up.

I'm not good about writing blogs anymore, theres been so much going on lately.
once I again, I got turned down, but I'm Kind of involved with some one.
I really should ask God about this, but i don't know how anymore, I know its such an age difference too.
But, it feels right to me, he cares about me, and hes always there to listen.
 Also, I listen to what other people say way too much, yeah we're four years apart, but that doesn't even matter.
Does it?
well, too me its not a big deal.
I talked to some one on the phone tonight, that is one of my favorite people, and moved away for awhile so it
was weird that he called me, big surprise, but made me very happy.
I always have good talks with him, and he gives the best advice.
I'm so happy he's in my life.

I love how every year people are always complaining about Valentines day, only because they're single.
Valentines day isn't only for showing love to the person your with.
Its to show love to everyone you care about and LOVE. Key word ya know?
I know it makes people sad, and I wish that a guy would get me flowers to show me how much he cares or something cheesy like that, but I mean, I have friends that love me, I don't need a guy.
BUT, I do like a guy, so I guess i'm being a hypocrite?
yeah, kind of.

I have a chance of staying back, unless i pass this quinter, and i tried really hard, I really hope I pass, because i know i did a lot better in most of my classes, but i still don't know if its good enough for that school?
I'll have to find out, and if I don't pass, I might cry, and at graduation i get to wave to my other 3 classmates graduating to high school, and I have to spend another year in middle school, you have no idea how much i want to be in high school, i think i will break down if that does happen, could be good for me, but i would not like the idea, one bit. It would be cool if we could graduate all together as a class, but, I can't give up.
You know, it starts with believing in yourself?
I'll try my best to do so.


This blog is kind of what ever pops into my head....

I always wonder what goes through my cats head, I mean he has nothing to worry about, except eating and wanting to go outside, That makes me wonder why did God make our lives so complicated?
I always question him, and I don't know if that's good, or bad.
I also wonder why he gave me depression, was that his plan? or was it all my fault?
Is that supposed to make me stronger? and how am I going to get better?
I have way too many questions for him.

I went so long without cutting, it was my news year resolution, I broke it, badly.
I never know what to say when people ask me about it.
My last excuse was "my cat"
guess what? it worked.
I hate having to answer that, but at this school I have no way to hide it, all my sweatshirts aren't allowed so obiously people will notice, hate it, but have to deal with it.

I think that's the end to my blog today, I can't think of anything else, but it was pretty long..so yeah.

sleep, i need you.

Haven't slept in two days D:
I need sleep like you kinda need it to live ya know?
Been kind of depressed lately, I don't even  know why.
I guess i just am.
I didn't go to school today cause I was alll every where.
I don't know what else to say..so bye.

when she ask if i look okay and i sayy..

I hate it how guys make me feel so ugly, like all the time.
Whenever I start liking a guy, they always end up not liking me.
What do I have to do to feel pretty? it would be nice if i was one of those girls that guys say is pretty, but i'm not.
I don't think I will ever be.
To be honest i wish I was pretty like my sister, people tell me all the time how pretty she is.
but never me?
why did i have to be the ugly one?
Why can't I have a guy that tells me I'm beautiful?
cause some how, other then that I can't feel pretty.
There's no way, no matter how many of my friends that are girls tell me, I won't believe it, sorry <3

"i'm sorry, i'm really such a lady"

I lied i'm doing really bad on this write a blog everyday thing, I didn't write one yesterday..oh well.
I've been sick since Christmas eve, and I went almost a month without being sick, I was so proud of myself.
I made so many plans with people this week, I'm hoping i'm all better by tomorrow, that would be cool, I hate how when ever we have a vacation, I have to spend it being sick.
I can't wait till the party at the end of the week, hopefully he goes, so I can get to know him more, and he can get to know me more too, and eventually there won't be awkwardness, I'm starting to like him again, I think I have and obsession with this kid. It would be the best thing ever if I find out he likes me.
Best freaking thing.
I would be the luckiest girl ever.
Kay that's it bye.

Christmas

Worst Christmas everrr.

"Greatest day in history."

I'm am so freaking proud of myself right now.
Today I went ice skating, with Megan and Gloriana, that was pretty fun, but painful.
Then hung out with Megan for the afternoon and watched a movie.
After that we went to the service at my church with My dad, and sister.
Then, I saw the guy I like for almost threes years but stopped liking him, and I started to again tonight.
The thing was I never, ever talked to him or just said a plain hi.
But tonight I talked to him, and I was so proud of myself.
It was awkward, but who cares?

"Don't go"

I really have to keep up with my blog, I think I'm gonna try my best to post one everyday.
Today was really good, the party was lame since it was our last day before vacation, we had one.
Our teacher forced us to play all these lame games, So instead me and my class, the 8th graders went to the bathroom and chugged energy drinks, we weren't allowed to have them..but shhh! :P
I hugged everybody that meant the most to me, actually I hugged them each almost 3 times haha.
I got home and for some reason my depression got really bad, I hate having depression, I never wanted to have it, but I'm stuck with it, and I don't even take medication. So it gets really bad, I've been good with stopping myself from going to that box and hurting myself, I really hope that these thoughts stopped going threw my head, and I will stop completely.

When We all get back from vacation, I'm sharing my Testimony, Because i feel led to..
So I'll be typing that up all vacation..hopefully I won't back out on this, and maybe some kids will start looking up to me, that's all I really want, is for some one to look up to me, because no ones ever done that before, and I'm not exactly the best person to look up to, but maybe?

:D

I FREAKING LOVE JOEY WITH ALL MY FREAKING HEART <333

I thought i was put in this world for so much more.

Apparently I'm not important to my sister anymore.
I thought i was.
And she can't trust me?
i thought we were best friends and really close.
I guess i was completely wrong.
She forces me to tell her whats wrong but when it comes to her being upset she doesn't tell me crap.
People come up to me and ask whats wrong with her.
And i always have to tell them, "i don't know, my sister doesn't tell me crap."
But then again she knows every little thing about me.
All she loves me for is making her food, or buying her food, or getting her stuff or when shes lazy i ALWAYS do that thing for her. That's it I've been used most of my life.

"........"

I wish i could tell somebody about this.
I feel like i should.
No one knows unless My sister told them.
Ahhhhhh.
Or i could act like there's nothing wrong with me.


I think i like my friends older brother....and its weird, cause I'm best friends with his little brother.
Also, that was kinda random.
oh well.
 I'm talking to some one right now that makes me smile a lot =)
that was also random.
I guess I'm just a random person today?
That is all.

"Hello my shame is Depression"

Hey thing you call depression? Go away please, i don't want you here anymore.
Well to be honest i never wanted you here.
This is getting worse and worse, i don't like it.
Then BAM! something has to happen that makes it worse.
I'm kinda happy that tomorrow we go back to school, and i get to see Megan, Joey, and Josh, oh and Julieee!
I missed them so freaking much its not even funny.
Oh and i usually forget about this whole depression thing during the week, but then i'm all stressed out.
So nothing works.
Woahh so yeah i'm living the good life, defff.

"Miss you, miss you"

Today was the last day at school, now we have a five day weekend.
I already miss Megan so freaking much.
I won't get to see her for five days, unless we hangout.
I also miss my little Joey a lot.
I hugged him today, and he did that little pat thing on my back..
He's so freaking cute.
We decided if we ever hangout we're going to watch Monty Python and the Holy Grail all freaking day, and go to Micky D's or something.
I love him, more then any other seventh grader at Mount Zion.
And i Love Megan more then any of the other eighth graders there.


You guys make my day, everyday i see you two.

Megan, You are my bestest  friend and i love you with everything i have, you make me laugh so much, and you are absolutely beautiful, believe it. Cause its true babes. I'm a fan of us when we're together. We can be a little too inappropriate for school when we're together, but that's why we're married =) lovee you so freaking much.
   
Joey, You are freaking hilarious, we laugh together constantly, we have such a good friendship, I'm pretty sure i would call you my best friend, Your probably the most adorablest thing, ever. Except when you make those weird faces of yours, that's unattractive...um and I'm sorry Rachael's so damn creepy hun, Love you lots.
 

"A brief bout with a razorblade cut me"

I can't stop this habit. Again, i went two weeks without doing it, then i went back to it.
I just keep going to that little shoe box i have hiding in my room.
It has everything in it, knifes, razors, everything.
I have problems with hiding the scars and scratches, i make them too noticeable, i always forget they're there.
I need to hide them.
Because I'm too ashamed of them


Please God help me with this, i can only go to you.

You are beautiful, please believe me?

My friend is one of the prettiest people i know, i wish she could believe me, i'm not just saying this because shes my friend, i look at her and think in my head "she is so freaking pretty", everytime i look at her.
I love her with everything i have, shes my bestfriend, but why can't she believe me?
when i tell you, Your beautiful. I mean it, every time, i don't lie to your face, i completely mean it. Every freaking time. I hate it when i tell you, and you keep saying i am, God made you beautiful, and he sure as hell didn't make a mistake making you. I love you so so so Much! please believe me? I beg you.

oh how i hate those words put together

Today was good, of course Joey, Josh, and especially Megan made it A LOT! better. but then when i came home i got a text saying, Melody, its time to talk..those words aren't ever good, and of course it wasn't.
oh and of course it was about a boy, one that i can't stop liking no matter how hard i try, the one that keeps making me fall for him more and more, but of course doesn't like me, ya know that oneeee? yeah.. not a fan.
I'm going to start consoling soon, and this makes me happy, because maybe i'll be able to stop hurting myself soon.
I love my Spanish teacher so freaking much. No lie.

field trip suckass.

I went on a field trip today, that i thought wouldn't be fun at all, but i guess i was wrong. This is the 3rd field trip we went on this year, pretty ridiculous..they are pointless..but funn. I thank God for Joey, Josh, AND Megan for being in my life, they make it 10xs better =)

"its funny how your dead people start listening"

Megan got me addicted to this country song...and i hate country >.< but this song ain't that badddd.
I think i'm getting better, or i hope i am, last time i thought this 2 weeks later i went back to it. You know cutting? it became an addiction, i really hope i will stop forever, but its hard, i'm really trying to think happy thoughts when i think of it, like, how my life is good, even though theres barely anything good.
Good things : My sister, I met Megan, the boy that always make me feel better, and food, but food makes you fat so yeah...
Right before i wrote that, my sister freaked out because she had to go on, i didn't know what to say.
I don't like when my sister and i fight >.<
Anyway, this is short cause..my sister needs to do homework, Kay bye.

Why can't i ever come up with titles?

I'm been trying harder and harder to not think i'm not stupid and God doesn't make stupid people.
But its kinda hard when at least one person everyday makes you feel that way. It would easy to think i'm smart if i got good grades and didn't get yelled at all the time for the stupid mistakes i make every second of my life. Maybe then i could think i'm smart. Sometimes i wish i could go some where to stop me from hurting myself and stop me from thinking i'm stupid, i try but its became an addiction, and i can't stop, no matter how hard i try.
I've been praying non-stop about both of these things, and nothings happened, i need help. I wish i could just be happy all the time, but this depression got the best of me.

"how could you be so heartless"

So yeah i'm listening to heartless by kenye west..i don't know why excatly, i just am.

Yesterday i was about to hurt myself again, then some one called me right as i was about to do it, its like they knew or something, i found it weird but it stopped me from hurting myself, and it was a person who always makes me feel better, I know God did that on purpose.

Its been extremely hard with school and stuff, especially when i get sick all the time >.< it makes it worse, and i know it was an amazing opportunity to go to Mount Zion, but its hard when i get sick almost every week, and to have a good attitude towards school, when i give it my best and i still fail. I want to have it in my mind that i can do it and succeed, but its not that easy, i've been trying to do that, and i think i'm doing better but apparently i still can't do crap. Why? My goal is, one day i'll be a straight A student and feel wicked good about myself, i don't know when that day will come, hopefully it comes soon.

"i dare you to move"

I've been listening to switchfoot all day...ahhh
i've been sick all day too, and doing homework, and cold. this is great.
FML.