lifes good my butt.

Some of my friends slept over on Friday and we had a lot of fun..then Saturday was the harvest parttyy! that was also funnnnnnn :) but Saturday night? everything went wrong, my sister was wicked upset about something and i found something out that made me want to fall into pieces..oh yeah of course it was about a boy, a stupid one that i can't just stop talking to because hes just too freaking lovable, and he was the one that i liked more then any boy eveerrrr, but i think i just stopped liking him last night, because i just couldn't stand what happened..and we would def. be better off as me liking him as a friend.
Oh and today i decided i liked some one new, but i'm not telling one person about this, except Megan of course.

 My self image is going down, and its hard for me to look in the mirror now, because i just can't stand myself..i seem to make so many mistakes and do everything wrong that its getting ridiculous, Why did i end up this way? Mount Zions not working out for me either, home works over whelming, i'm getting f's on everything already, and plus i have learning disabilities that no one there knows about..great, i just seem so stupid compared to everybody else..then the teacher has to pick on me for every answer. i'm too slow to go to such a smart school where everybody is good at some subject, but all i can pass is Spanish and Arts, which are the easiest classes to pass. I keep asking myself, Why did God put me in this world? i'm not good at anything, no one likes me and all i'm good for is people getting mad at me for all the mistakes i make..seriously why? I also need to stop my habbit of talking back to teachers, its not good and i was so bad at it last year..but i just can't do that at a christian privet school.

  My dads getting more annoying by the second, whenever he talks to me now, i just want to punch him in the face. He has an issue with being all up in my moms business, and he needs to stop, hes not married to her anymore, he doesn't need to know everything about her private life or know every time we talk to her..grrr.
Who else i want to punch in the face? All the 7th graders i have classes with except Joey and Josh, they're chill..i completely hate 7th graders, AHHH!

 My addiction? lets talk about that..when ever i mess up all i want to do is that, but its so freaking bad and i do it so often..i need to stop this! I don't like the title "emo" but no thats not what i am.Gahh, i have so many freaking problems its not even funny, like right now, i just want to drag a razor across my wrist and watch myself bleed, because it makes me feel better, i can't lie.

Well anyway i have a love like no other with gummy bears, and a song called kryptonite by 3 doors down. I also love the song something by escape the fate, and i'm learning it on the drums soon! but other then that LIFE SUCKS.

Get down with the sickness.

This year i promised myself i would try my best going to school everyday unless i was sick, and of course i have to be sick ALL the time, Trying to keep up with the work at privet school is wicked hard but then when you miss a day, it kinda makes it alot worse, especially when you have a day to make it up along with all the other work they give you. Then guess what? i get bellow 70's on everything, i'm not cut out for privet school.
 Of course i was wicked excited to be going and I love that they offer Bible class and Chapel, but that's all that i like there,  I can't do this.
 
I was hoping that since last year i didn't go to school like ever and i never did work, That this year i would go more and do work, but that's not the problem, its that I just don't have a brain. Every kid that goes to school with me is 10xs smarter then me and that includes the 7th graders...I also need extra help on everything...why can't I just be a little smart, just a little?

This morning my Dad told me that we can't go to the doctors even though we're sick ALL the time, its just that he doesn't have "money" for it i hope he understands that child services could take us away if they ever find out that he doesn't do most of the stuff parents are supposed to do, me and my sister hasn't had a physical in almost 3 years and we're sick all the time, good idea not bringing us to the doctors huh? yeah..totally. 

So you love us more then anybody? Yeah, except God.

I thought everything would be alot better once you moved in, but nope i was completely wrong.
You say you love us more then anybody? yeah...it would be nice if you showed us this so called "love"
 That angry issue of yours that you said you would fix? You didn't.

 We were all so excited to go to Mount Zion this year, and that included you, yes you act like its the best thing that ever happened,  to your friends, but when it comes to us? You act like your not even happy about it.
   Every single morning you rush us out the door when we don't even need to be there till 30 minutes after you bring us, you freak out at us taking 2 more minutes then what you wanted and you talk to us constantly.
You say you understand that our Mom never talked to us and asked us all these questions about our day,and you would respect the space we need, BUT you still don't leave us alone.

  Another thing that pisses me off about you is you say we need faith and we need to be Christians.
You pretty much say we aren't Christians and we don't trust in God. The thing is WE DO & WE WON'T EVER STOP. How bout you trust in God? Yeah if i said that to your face you would probably punch me in the face. Truth is i want to punch you everyday of my life.

 
Can't you understand? or be patient? or not be angry? No thats just not you.