"Hello my shame is Depression"

Hey thing you call depression? Go away please, i don't want you here anymore.
Well to be honest i never wanted you here.
This is getting worse and worse, i don't like it.
Then BAM! something has to happen that makes it worse.
I'm kinda happy that tomorrow we go back to school, and i get to see Megan, Joey, and Josh, oh and Julieee!
I missed them so freaking much its not even funny.
Oh and i usually forget about this whole depression thing during the week, but then i'm all stressed out.
So nothing works.
Woahh so yeah i'm living the good life, defff.

"Miss you, miss you"

Today was the last day at school, now we have a five day weekend.
I already miss Megan so freaking much.
I won't get to see her for five days, unless we hangout.
I also miss my little Joey a lot.
I hugged him today, and he did that little pat thing on my back..
He's so freaking cute.
We decided if we ever hangout we're going to watch Monty Python and the Holy Grail all freaking day, and go to Micky D's or something.
I love him, more then any other seventh grader at Mount Zion.
And i Love Megan more then any of the other eighth graders there.


You guys make my day, everyday i see you two.

Megan, You are my bestest  friend and i love you with everything i have, you make me laugh so much, and you are absolutely beautiful, believe it. Cause its true babes. I'm a fan of us when we're together. We can be a little too inappropriate for school when we're together, but that's why we're married =) lovee you so freaking much.
   
Joey, You are freaking hilarious, we laugh together constantly, we have such a good friendship, I'm pretty sure i would call you my best friend, Your probably the most adorablest thing, ever. Except when you make those weird faces of yours, that's unattractive...um and I'm sorry Rachael's so damn creepy hun, Love you lots.
 

"A brief bout with a razorblade cut me"

I can't stop this habit. Again, i went two weeks without doing it, then i went back to it.
I just keep going to that little shoe box i have hiding in my room.
It has everything in it, knifes, razors, everything.
I have problems with hiding the scars and scratches, i make them too noticeable, i always forget they're there.
I need to hide them.
Because I'm too ashamed of them


Please God help me with this, i can only go to you.

You are beautiful, please believe me?

My friend is one of the prettiest people i know, i wish she could believe me, i'm not just saying this because shes my friend, i look at her and think in my head "she is so freaking pretty", everytime i look at her.
I love her with everything i have, shes my bestfriend, but why can't she believe me?
when i tell you, Your beautiful. I mean it, every time, i don't lie to your face, i completely mean it. Every freaking time. I hate it when i tell you, and you keep saying i am, God made you beautiful, and he sure as hell didn't make a mistake making you. I love you so so so Much! please believe me? I beg you.

oh how i hate those words put together

Today was good, of course Joey, Josh, and especially Megan made it A LOT! better. but then when i came home i got a text saying, Melody, its time to talk..those words aren't ever good, and of course it wasn't.
oh and of course it was about a boy, one that i can't stop liking no matter how hard i try, the one that keeps making me fall for him more and more, but of course doesn't like me, ya know that oneeee? yeah.. not a fan.
I'm going to start consoling soon, and this makes me happy, because maybe i'll be able to stop hurting myself soon.
I love my Spanish teacher so freaking much. No lie.

field trip suckass.

I went on a field trip today, that i thought wouldn't be fun at all, but i guess i was wrong. This is the 3rd field trip we went on this year, pretty ridiculous..they are pointless..but funn. I thank God for Joey, Josh, AND Megan for being in my life, they make it 10xs better =)

"its funny how your dead people start listening"

Megan got me addicted to this country song...and i hate country >.< but this song ain't that badddd.
I think i'm getting better, or i hope i am, last time i thought this 2 weeks later i went back to it. You know cutting? it became an addiction, i really hope i will stop forever, but its hard, i'm really trying to think happy thoughts when i think of it, like, how my life is good, even though theres barely anything good.
Good things : My sister, I met Megan, the boy that always make me feel better, and food, but food makes you fat so yeah...
Right before i wrote that, my sister freaked out because she had to go on, i didn't know what to say.
I don't like when my sister and i fight >.<
Anyway, this is short cause..my sister needs to do homework, Kay bye.

Why can't i ever come up with titles?

I'm been trying harder and harder to not think i'm not stupid and God doesn't make stupid people.
But its kinda hard when at least one person everyday makes you feel that way. It would easy to think i'm smart if i got good grades and didn't get yelled at all the time for the stupid mistakes i make every second of my life. Maybe then i could think i'm smart. Sometimes i wish i could go some where to stop me from hurting myself and stop me from thinking i'm stupid, i try but its became an addiction, and i can't stop, no matter how hard i try.
I've been praying non-stop about both of these things, and nothings happened, i need help. I wish i could just be happy all the time, but this depression got the best of me.

"how could you be so heartless"

So yeah i'm listening to heartless by kenye west..i don't know why excatly, i just am.

Yesterday i was about to hurt myself again, then some one called me right as i was about to do it, its like they knew or something, i found it weird but it stopped me from hurting myself, and it was a person who always makes me feel better, I know God did that on purpose.

Its been extremely hard with school and stuff, especially when i get sick all the time >.< it makes it worse, and i know it was an amazing opportunity to go to Mount Zion, but its hard when i get sick almost every week, and to have a good attitude towards school, when i give it my best and i still fail. I want to have it in my mind that i can do it and succeed, but its not that easy, i've been trying to do that, and i think i'm doing better but apparently i still can't do crap. Why? My goal is, one day i'll be a straight A student and feel wicked good about myself, i don't know when that day will come, hopefully it comes soon.

"i dare you to move"

I've been listening to switchfoot all day...ahhh
i've been sick all day too, and doing homework, and cold. this is great.
FML.

this one doesn't have a title.

I never been under more pressure in my life. I''ve always gotten bad grades, and i didn't care about them, now i still get them and they tare me apart, this school is full of smart people, why can't i be like them? why can't i do good and school? and why when i try harder it makes it worse? I'm still figuring out why God put me here. My sisters doing awesome, shes doing a lot better then last year and she has Citizenship which is really good, Why can't i do good in school like her? Oh, and why do all the 7th graders have to rub in my face that they're better then me? My dad today, "i always got As and Bs in school but it was hard for me", way to rub it in my face, even if you have trouble you still do good, well that doesn't work with me. I'll tell you the truth, i hate it there, the only thing i like about is that i get to see one of my favorite people everyday (Megan) shes amazing, and she makes me feel so much better about myself.
  I've also noticed i'm the only person in my class that has parents who are divorced..that sucks, one day we had a big talk about it and all the kids talked about how their friends parents are, but not them, and its hard thing to go through, especially when you never see your mom, ever. Maybe some one will figure out someday and understand me a little better. It never bothered me, that my parents were, and that was 2 years ago, but now it finally hit me, once i started going to Mount Zion its hurt me more then ever, all the kids do there is talk about their mom, or how their parents anniversary is soon and their having a big party for it, all they freaking talk about! In the beginning of school all the teachers said, "bring this home to your mom" and it got annoying, have you ever thought that some kids don't exactly live with their mom? that person meaning me? and that once i came here, its hurt me more then ever? I always used to make fun of her, to be honest, it was bad. It never bothered me, but now it does a lot. Some kid on the beginning of school his exact words were, "your mom doesn't love you?" thats the day where i broke down. I love my mom, and even though living with her wasn't the best thing, i miss her.

"I throw my spanish in the air sometimes saying ayyoo no comprendo!"

Let me just say i completely love my Spanish teacher! She drove me and my sister home today, and we talked as if i don't have her as a teacher, and i can trust with everything, all the other teachers tell everybody else, and its annoying..she also treats me like my age, and not like a 7th grader like every other teacher, it makes me happy that she knows i'm mature, and doesn't think i'm wicked immature, once again like all the other teachers.
Also, she actually seems like she wants to help me, and like she actually cares :D i love her so freaking much.