"i'm sorry, i'm really such a lady"

I lied i'm doing really bad on this write a blog everyday thing, I didn't write one yesterday..oh well.
I've been sick since Christmas eve, and I went almost a month without being sick, I was so proud of myself.
I made so many plans with people this week, I'm hoping i'm all better by tomorrow, that would be cool, I hate how when ever we have a vacation, I have to spend it being sick.
I can't wait till the party at the end of the week, hopefully he goes, so I can get to know him more, and he can get to know me more too, and eventually there won't be awkwardness, I'm starting to like him again, I think I have and obsession with this kid. It would be the best thing ever if I find out he likes me.
Best freaking thing.
I would be the luckiest girl ever.
Kay that's it bye.

Christmas

Worst Christmas everrr.

"Greatest day in history."

I'm am so freaking proud of myself right now.
Today I went ice skating, with Megan and Gloriana, that was pretty fun, but painful.
Then hung out with Megan for the afternoon and watched a movie.
After that we went to the service at my church with My dad, and sister.
Then, I saw the guy I like for almost threes years but stopped liking him, and I started to again tonight.
The thing was I never, ever talked to him or just said a plain hi.
But tonight I talked to him, and I was so proud of myself.
It was awkward, but who cares?

"Don't go"

I really have to keep up with my blog, I think I'm gonna try my best to post one everyday.
Today was really good, the party was lame since it was our last day before vacation, we had one.
Our teacher forced us to play all these lame games, So instead me and my class, the 8th graders went to the bathroom and chugged energy drinks, we weren't allowed to have them..but shhh! :P
I hugged everybody that meant the most to me, actually I hugged them each almost 3 times haha.
I got home and for some reason my depression got really bad, I hate having depression, I never wanted to have it, but I'm stuck with it, and I don't even take medication. So it gets really bad, I've been good with stopping myself from going to that box and hurting myself, I really hope that these thoughts stopped going threw my head, and I will stop completely.

When We all get back from vacation, I'm sharing my Testimony, Because i feel led to..
So I'll be typing that up all vacation..hopefully I won't back out on this, and maybe some kids will start looking up to me, that's all I really want, is for some one to look up to me, because no ones ever done that before, and I'm not exactly the best person to look up to, but maybe?

:D

I FREAKING LOVE JOEY WITH ALL MY FREAKING HEART <333

I thought i was put in this world for so much more.

Apparently I'm not important to my sister anymore.
I thought i was.
And she can't trust me?
i thought we were best friends and really close.
I guess i was completely wrong.
She forces me to tell her whats wrong but when it comes to her being upset she doesn't tell me crap.
People come up to me and ask whats wrong with her.
And i always have to tell them, "i don't know, my sister doesn't tell me crap."
But then again she knows every little thing about me.
All she loves me for is making her food, or buying her food, or getting her stuff or when shes lazy i ALWAYS do that thing for her. That's it I've been used most of my life.

"........"

I wish i could tell somebody about this.
I feel like i should.
No one knows unless My sister told them.
Ahhhhhh.
Or i could act like there's nothing wrong with me.


I think i like my friends older brother....and its weird, cause I'm best friends with his little brother.
Also, that was kinda random.
oh well.
 I'm talking to some one right now that makes me smile a lot =)
that was also random.
I guess I'm just a random person today?
That is all.

"Hello my shame is Depression"

Hey thing you call depression? Go away please, i don't want you here anymore.
Well to be honest i never wanted you here.
This is getting worse and worse, i don't like it.
Then BAM! something has to happen that makes it worse.
I'm kinda happy that tomorrow we go back to school, and i get to see Megan, Joey, and Josh, oh and Julieee!
I missed them so freaking much its not even funny.
Oh and i usually forget about this whole depression thing during the week, but then i'm all stressed out.
So nothing works.
Woahh so yeah i'm living the good life, defff.

"Miss you, miss you"

Today was the last day at school, now we have a five day weekend.
I already miss Megan so freaking much.
I won't get to see her for five days, unless we hangout.
I also miss my little Joey a lot.
I hugged him today, and he did that little pat thing on my back..
He's so freaking cute.
We decided if we ever hangout we're going to watch Monty Python and the Holy Grail all freaking day, and go to Micky D's or something.
I love him, more then any other seventh grader at Mount Zion.
And i Love Megan more then any of the other eighth graders there.


You guys make my day, everyday i see you two.

Megan, You are my bestest  friend and i love you with everything i have, you make me laugh so much, and you are absolutely beautiful, believe it. Cause its true babes. I'm a fan of us when we're together. We can be a little too inappropriate for school when we're together, but that's why we're married =) lovee you so freaking much.
   
Joey, You are freaking hilarious, we laugh together constantly, we have such a good friendship, I'm pretty sure i would call you my best friend, Your probably the most adorablest thing, ever. Except when you make those weird faces of yours, that's unattractive...um and I'm sorry Rachael's so damn creepy hun, Love you lots.
 

"A brief bout with a razorblade cut me"

I can't stop this habit. Again, i went two weeks without doing it, then i went back to it.
I just keep going to that little shoe box i have hiding in my room.
It has everything in it, knifes, razors, everything.
I have problems with hiding the scars and scratches, i make them too noticeable, i always forget they're there.
I need to hide them.
Because I'm too ashamed of them


Please God help me with this, i can only go to you.

You are beautiful, please believe me?

My friend is one of the prettiest people i know, i wish she could believe me, i'm not just saying this because shes my friend, i look at her and think in my head "she is so freaking pretty", everytime i look at her.
I love her with everything i have, shes my bestfriend, but why can't she believe me?
when i tell you, Your beautiful. I mean it, every time, i don't lie to your face, i completely mean it. Every freaking time. I hate it when i tell you, and you keep saying i am, God made you beautiful, and he sure as hell didn't make a mistake making you. I love you so so so Much! please believe me? I beg you.

oh how i hate those words put together

Today was good, of course Joey, Josh, and especially Megan made it A LOT! better. but then when i came home i got a text saying, Melody, its time to talk..those words aren't ever good, and of course it wasn't.
oh and of course it was about a boy, one that i can't stop liking no matter how hard i try, the one that keeps making me fall for him more and more, but of course doesn't like me, ya know that oneeee? yeah.. not a fan.
I'm going to start consoling soon, and this makes me happy, because maybe i'll be able to stop hurting myself soon.
I love my Spanish teacher so freaking much. No lie.

field trip suckass.

I went on a field trip today, that i thought wouldn't be fun at all, but i guess i was wrong. This is the 3rd field trip we went on this year, pretty ridiculous..they are pointless..but funn. I thank God for Joey, Josh, AND Megan for being in my life, they make it 10xs better =)

"its funny how your dead people start listening"

Megan got me addicted to this country song...and i hate country >.< but this song ain't that badddd.
I think i'm getting better, or i hope i am, last time i thought this 2 weeks later i went back to it. You know cutting? it became an addiction, i really hope i will stop forever, but its hard, i'm really trying to think happy thoughts when i think of it, like, how my life is good, even though theres barely anything good.
Good things : My sister, I met Megan, the boy that always make me feel better, and food, but food makes you fat so yeah...
Right before i wrote that, my sister freaked out because she had to go on, i didn't know what to say.
I don't like when my sister and i fight >.<
Anyway, this is short cause..my sister needs to do homework, Kay bye.

Why can't i ever come up with titles?

I'm been trying harder and harder to not think i'm not stupid and God doesn't make stupid people.
But its kinda hard when at least one person everyday makes you feel that way. It would easy to think i'm smart if i got good grades and didn't get yelled at all the time for the stupid mistakes i make every second of my life. Maybe then i could think i'm smart. Sometimes i wish i could go some where to stop me from hurting myself and stop me from thinking i'm stupid, i try but its became an addiction, and i can't stop, no matter how hard i try.
I've been praying non-stop about both of these things, and nothings happened, i need help. I wish i could just be happy all the time, but this depression got the best of me.

"how could you be so heartless"

So yeah i'm listening to heartless by kenye west..i don't know why excatly, i just am.

Yesterday i was about to hurt myself again, then some one called me right as i was about to do it, its like they knew or something, i found it weird but it stopped me from hurting myself, and it was a person who always makes me feel better, I know God did that on purpose.

Its been extremely hard with school and stuff, especially when i get sick all the time >.< it makes it worse, and i know it was an amazing opportunity to go to Mount Zion, but its hard when i get sick almost every week, and to have a good attitude towards school, when i give it my best and i still fail. I want to have it in my mind that i can do it and succeed, but its not that easy, i've been trying to do that, and i think i'm doing better but apparently i still can't do crap. Why? My goal is, one day i'll be a straight A student and feel wicked good about myself, i don't know when that day will come, hopefully it comes soon.

"i dare you to move"

I've been listening to switchfoot all day...ahhh
i've been sick all day too, and doing homework, and cold. this is great.
FML.

this one doesn't have a title.

I never been under more pressure in my life. I''ve always gotten bad grades, and i didn't care about them, now i still get them and they tare me apart, this school is full of smart people, why can't i be like them? why can't i do good and school? and why when i try harder it makes it worse? I'm still figuring out why God put me here. My sisters doing awesome, shes doing a lot better then last year and she has Citizenship which is really good, Why can't i do good in school like her? Oh, and why do all the 7th graders have to rub in my face that they're better then me? My dad today, "i always got As and Bs in school but it was hard for me", way to rub it in my face, even if you have trouble you still do good, well that doesn't work with me. I'll tell you the truth, i hate it there, the only thing i like about is that i get to see one of my favorite people everyday (Megan) shes amazing, and she makes me feel so much better about myself.
  I've also noticed i'm the only person in my class that has parents who are divorced..that sucks, one day we had a big talk about it and all the kids talked about how their friends parents are, but not them, and its hard thing to go through, especially when you never see your mom, ever. Maybe some one will figure out someday and understand me a little better. It never bothered me, that my parents were, and that was 2 years ago, but now it finally hit me, once i started going to Mount Zion its hurt me more then ever, all the kids do there is talk about their mom, or how their parents anniversary is soon and their having a big party for it, all they freaking talk about! In the beginning of school all the teachers said, "bring this home to your mom" and it got annoying, have you ever thought that some kids don't exactly live with their mom? that person meaning me? and that once i came here, its hurt me more then ever? I always used to make fun of her, to be honest, it was bad. It never bothered me, but now it does a lot. Some kid on the beginning of school his exact words were, "your mom doesn't love you?" thats the day where i broke down. I love my mom, and even though living with her wasn't the best thing, i miss her.

"I throw my spanish in the air sometimes saying ayyoo no comprendo!"

Let me just say i completely love my Spanish teacher! She drove me and my sister home today, and we talked as if i don't have her as a teacher, and i can trust with everything, all the other teachers tell everybody else, and its annoying..she also treats me like my age, and not like a 7th grader like every other teacher, it makes me happy that she knows i'm mature, and doesn't think i'm wicked immature, once again like all the other teachers.
Also, she actually seems like she wants to help me, and like she actually cares :D i love her so freaking much.

lifes good my butt.

Some of my friends slept over on Friday and we had a lot of fun..then Saturday was the harvest parttyy! that was also funnnnnnn :) but Saturday night? everything went wrong, my sister was wicked upset about something and i found something out that made me want to fall into pieces..oh yeah of course it was about a boy, a stupid one that i can't just stop talking to because hes just too freaking lovable, and he was the one that i liked more then any boy eveerrrr, but i think i just stopped liking him last night, because i just couldn't stand what happened..and we would def. be better off as me liking him as a friend.
Oh and today i decided i liked some one new, but i'm not telling one person about this, except Megan of course.

 My self image is going down, and its hard for me to look in the mirror now, because i just can't stand myself..i seem to make so many mistakes and do everything wrong that its getting ridiculous, Why did i end up this way? Mount Zions not working out for me either, home works over whelming, i'm getting f's on everything already, and plus i have learning disabilities that no one there knows about..great, i just seem so stupid compared to everybody else..then the teacher has to pick on me for every answer. i'm too slow to go to such a smart school where everybody is good at some subject, but all i can pass is Spanish and Arts, which are the easiest classes to pass. I keep asking myself, Why did God put me in this world? i'm not good at anything, no one likes me and all i'm good for is people getting mad at me for all the mistakes i make..seriously why? I also need to stop my habbit of talking back to teachers, its not good and i was so bad at it last year..but i just can't do that at a christian privet school.

  My dads getting more annoying by the second, whenever he talks to me now, i just want to punch him in the face. He has an issue with being all up in my moms business, and he needs to stop, hes not married to her anymore, he doesn't need to know everything about her private life or know every time we talk to her..grrr.
Who else i want to punch in the face? All the 7th graders i have classes with except Joey and Josh, they're chill..i completely hate 7th graders, AHHH!

 My addiction? lets talk about that..when ever i mess up all i want to do is that, but its so freaking bad and i do it so often..i need to stop this! I don't like the title "emo" but no thats not what i am.Gahh, i have so many freaking problems its not even funny, like right now, i just want to drag a razor across my wrist and watch myself bleed, because it makes me feel better, i can't lie.

Well anyway i have a love like no other with gummy bears, and a song called kryptonite by 3 doors down. I also love the song something by escape the fate, and i'm learning it on the drums soon! but other then that LIFE SUCKS.

Get down with the sickness.

This year i promised myself i would try my best going to school everyday unless i was sick, and of course i have to be sick ALL the time, Trying to keep up with the work at privet school is wicked hard but then when you miss a day, it kinda makes it alot worse, especially when you have a day to make it up along with all the other work they give you. Then guess what? i get bellow 70's on everything, i'm not cut out for privet school.
 Of course i was wicked excited to be going and I love that they offer Bible class and Chapel, but that's all that i like there,  I can't do this.
 
I was hoping that since last year i didn't go to school like ever and i never did work, That this year i would go more and do work, but that's not the problem, its that I just don't have a brain. Every kid that goes to school with me is 10xs smarter then me and that includes the 7th graders...I also need extra help on everything...why can't I just be a little smart, just a little?

This morning my Dad told me that we can't go to the doctors even though we're sick ALL the time, its just that he doesn't have "money" for it i hope he understands that child services could take us away if they ever find out that he doesn't do most of the stuff parents are supposed to do, me and my sister hasn't had a physical in almost 3 years and we're sick all the time, good idea not bringing us to the doctors huh? yeah..totally. 

So you love us more then anybody? Yeah, except God.

I thought everything would be alot better once you moved in, but nope i was completely wrong.
You say you love us more then anybody? yeah...it would be nice if you showed us this so called "love"
 That angry issue of yours that you said you would fix? You didn't.

 We were all so excited to go to Mount Zion this year, and that included you, yes you act like its the best thing that ever happened,  to your friends, but when it comes to us? You act like your not even happy about it.
   Every single morning you rush us out the door when we don't even need to be there till 30 minutes after you bring us, you freak out at us taking 2 more minutes then what you wanted and you talk to us constantly.
You say you understand that our Mom never talked to us and asked us all these questions about our day,and you would respect the space we need, BUT you still don't leave us alone.

  Another thing that pisses me off about you is you say we need faith and we need to be Christians.
You pretty much say we aren't Christians and we don't trust in God. The thing is WE DO & WE WON'T EVER STOP. How bout you trust in God? Yeah if i said that to your face you would probably punch me in the face. Truth is i want to punch you everyday of my life.

 
Can't you understand? or be patient? or not be angry? No thats just not you.